‘If Priti Patel had her way football would come home then get detained at the airport’

Priti Patel supports the England team by trying to prevent a future squad even existing (Image: @pritipatel /Twitter)

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Jacob Rees-Mogg says he “rejoiced” over “England’s football success”.

Thank the Lord, because he’s the first person I look to for guidance on football.

He should be a pundit, where he can say at half-time: “One can’t help but pontificate that the game would flow at a greater velocity were the players permitted to joust.

A lance to the Italian goalkeeper would put paid to their Roman impertinence.”

Priti Patel is also a big football fan, so she published a photo of herself cheering in an England shirt on Twitter.

But if the immigration rules that Priti Patel supports had been in place for the last 30 years Gareth Southgate may have had to opt for a 1-0-1 formation.

Boris Johnson wore his England shirt over his suit during England's semi final against Denmark
(Image: REUTERS)

Or the commentators would tell us: “England have selected Fat Dave who plays five-a-side in central defence alongside Nine-bellies Colin from the Queen’s Arms. Up front is One-Hip Norman.”

Perhaps she’ll make a video of herself singing in the final, “Football’s coming home, where it will be detained at the airport and asked where it’s been, before being deported until nine years later when we lose the case in the High Court.”

Boris Johnson is so excited that he wore an England shirt over his suit. I expect he goes to matches with Jacob and they chant to opposing fans “You’re s*** and you know you are” in Latin. (Tues merdius tueste savus)

Johnson condemned the team’s kneeling in support of Black Lives Matter as “gesture politics”.

He hates gesture politics, which is why everything he does is deep and meaningful, such as standing on a giant St George’s flag, or driving a forklift truck through a pile of foam bricks while shouting: “Get Brexit Done.”

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The Conservative magazine The Spectator said before the tournament: “This woke England team will crash out early, because taking the knee divides the fans and demoralises the players.”

Many Tories seem similarly angry, screaming: “This isn’t a proper England. They should follow traditional English football values, such as having nothing to do with anti-racism or Gay Pride, and getting knocked out in the group stage after a 1-1 draw with Moldova.”

Because this is an England that supports Black Lives Matter and Gay Pride, with players who lead campaigns to force Government to feed children.

Supporters have been more friendly as well. If Southgate came across England fans singing “No Surrender to the IRA”, he’d explain to them the complex history of Anglo-Irish relations, and point out the IRA have not existed in any meaningful form for 25 years making their song redundant. “Sorry Gareth”, they’d all say, and he’d suggest a reading list.

Thirty years ago, fans and players often behaved wildly, while governments had to apologise for them. But now everything is so upside-down.

After the Euros, England players will make a statement: “While we welcome genuine supporters, we condemn the thuggish behaviour of the thuggish minority in the gang known as “the Government” who tarnished the country’s name with behaviour that is totally unacceptable.

"There is no excuse for this minority to ruin the fun of the nation.”

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